Monthly Archives: March 2008

Blended families…

Posted on March 29, 2008 | 3 Comments

Often there are couples getting married for the second time and they have families being blended together by the ceremony. These families can include children from previous relationships and sometimes adopted children.

There are many ways to celebrate the blending; sand ceremonies, flower ceremonies, medallion ceremonies, pouring ceremonies and of course, vow taking. I have performed many ceremonies in this fashion and it is a touching and heartfelt way of showing to the world that you are in fact, not just signing a paper to make it all ‘legal’ or the two people ‘just happen’ to have more to them. The faces of younger children standing in their designated spots waiting to be part of this momentous occasion say it all.

At one wedding, which was outdoors on a private lake front beach [very tiny], the children were small. There was one child from the mother and two from the father. The children were solemn, dignified and poured their sand as if each grain was indeed a part of their spirit. They were thrilled with the large container that had a part of each of them in it, blended in an harmonious pattern. We later poured sealing wax on the top of the bottle to close it. Normally I use a stopper that can be waxed in, but with really small children the neck of the container should be large to give them a better aim. Just fill the top with melted wax. Many onlookers came up to me after the ceremony and told me how touching the sight had been, and the ceremony would remain in their minds and hearts for it’s beauty. As an officiant it is wonderful to hear that the emotions intended to be expressed, had been interpreted successfully.

Performing a blending ceremony is not just for weddings…if you are welcoming new members to your family, through birth, adoption, fostering etc., it makes a great day and warms the hearts of those involved.

Sand Ceremony

After the minister reads the statement below, pour two containers of sand into a third, wide- mouthed, container simultaneously:
_______________ and ______________, today you join your separate lives together. The two separate bottles of sand symbolize your separate lives, separate families and separate sets of friends. They represent all that you are and all that you’ll ever be as an individual. They also represent your lives before today. As these two containers of sand are poured into the third container, the individual containers of sand will no longer exist, but will be joined together as one. Just as these grains of sand can never be separated and poured again into the individual containers, so will your marriage be.

OR

Marriage is a promise, made in the hearts of two people who love each other, which takes a lifetime to fulfill. Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life’s most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other’s lover, teacher, listener, critic, and best friend.

It is into this state that Bryan and Alexandra wish to enter, and create together a new family that includes their love of A, F, B and J….To celebrate this special bond I would like to invite the new family to perform a Sand Ceremony to signify that once joined, each of them remains as individual as a grain of sand, and yet once blended are inseparable for all time.


I place a layer of white sand to signify that Love has blessed this union and that Love is a basis upon which we build. Bryan and Alex, I ask you to add sand to signify yourselves and the bond of love that shall not be undone and which is the strength and foundation of this new family, Children, I ask you to add your sand to complete the family that once joined shall never be separated. I add the final layer to seal the bond that this new family has created. With love this bond is made.From this day forward they shall be a family whose strength is founded upon love, friendship, honor and trust.

I highly recommend sand ceremonies as they easy to prepare and can be done over if there is an accident. They are much safer than candles where children are concerned.

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Duties of the officiant…

Posted on March 28, 2008 | 2 Comments
A job well done!

A job well done!

These vary from wedding to wedding. The basic duty of the officiant is to help you plan and write your ‘ceremony’, not your wedding. For a simple wedding, such as an elopement, the duties are legal and to the point. You have to state you intentions in front of the witness and that witness is the officiant. [NH does not need other witnesses] States vary in their witness requirements.

It all boils down to ‘you have to say these words, they have to be witnessed, and a legal witness must sign to this being performed and file the relevant documents as needed’. The rest is all emotional and spiritual. My own wedding involved 4 people and the minister, and I was a little let down for some time. [a death in the family dictated no big party] However, I have officiated many, many weddings now and I am somewhat relieved that I wasn’t put through all the fuss at the time. I look back at it and smile.

Because we were having an ‘elopement’ we decided to dress up in Renaissance clothing, as our two best friends had been to King Richard’s Faire and had the costumes rented. Sad to say, I own two medieval dresses already..LOL…and hubby had his outfit made to match.  We made a big to-do about staging photos in dramatic poses with swords and trees and archways in the pictures, we had breakfast at Bickfords, and had so much fun, and no stress. Our formal meal was just the two of us. A friend had booked a table at a good restaurant as a suprise, and they had roped off one end of the place and decorated it with gifts to us, and champagne. A credit card number was left by another friend, and it was ‘anything you want, just get it’. Total cost of wedding around $500.00. I drank too much champagne and fell over the rope, but apart from that, it was very romantic. We have fond memories of that day.

Anyway, I digress.

I have officiated weddings wherein the couple seemed to think that I was their coordinator. No. It is your responsibility to arrange what you would like. I will of course advise on anything you need and will help wherever I can  in organizing your processional, conducting the ceremony and recessional and thaiding in the seating going smoothly. I am not, however, responsible for which table Great Aunt Hilda should sit at. Or what colour tablecloths to order. Don’t forget, I don’t see most of the wedding, I am up front waiting for people to get to me, and have no control over when the next person should walk up the aisle. To this end I always recommend that you have a person do this for you. Too slow and the music is over, too fast and everyone has to wait at the altar for the music to stop. If you have a DJ, he/she is the expert on this, use them to the fullest advantage. They have a great sense of timing.

You can always ask a member of family or a friend who is not in the wedding party to cue the attendants for you. At rehearsals I often use the music for the processional and ask the attendants to cue on a visual, such as ‘when you see the person in front of you reach this point, start walking’

General duties I regularly undertake as an Officiant

Respond to initial inquiry by couple, If compatible, book date and provide contract for signing. Retain deposit.

Get acquainted with the venue if  not already, such as a park, a home.  I usually call or email venues and ask for their bridal package so I know what is offered and what to expect. If it’s local, I travel there and check out the site.

Meet with the couple if appropriate time is allowed.

Communicate with couple via email and telephone to assess their needs and to brainstorm for ceremony ideas and requirements.

Verify the legality of the marriage via state issued license and personal ID.

File for any day licenses necessary eg ‘out of state clergy’.

Take all the ideas provided by the couple and write a custom ceremony using custom and non-custom elements.

Perform any within ceremony rituals such as unity and blended family ceremonies. These include but are not limited to Sand, Rose, Unity Candles, Glass Breaking, Medallions, Blessings, etc.

Attend rehearsal if needed. Oversee the flow of the ceremony and make any adjustments needed.

Arrive promptly at the venue on the day of the ceremony to help with any last minute crisis, nerves, be a calming influence for the nervous partner who is waiting at the altar.

Officiate ceremony.

Announce the legal joining of the couple.

Complete and file paperwork with vital records authorities, make copies of documentation, send one to couple for a keepsake, file one.

Deep breath, start next one.

That sums it up nicely. But there are a myriad things that couple want to add to their special day. and my motto; Your day, your way! cover most of them…

Candle made by Julie Matthews, one of my brides

Candle made by Julie Matthews, one of my brides

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The wedding night…

Posted on March 26, 2008 | Leave a comment

So it’s your wedding night, you know what is supposed to happen. But does it? Probably not. The day has been exhausting and all you want to do is climb into bed, snuggle up and celebrate in the traditional fashion. Trouble is, you are so tired that you fall on your face on the bed and start snoring.

Unless you have followed a traditional route to your marriage bed, the likelihood of having a good sexual relationship is very high. So, falling asleep on your wedding night is not such a big deal. For those people I suggest a Honeymoon Morning instead. Nothing to say that you have to perform athletic sex on the night when you can sleep in late and spend all the next day making up for it.

For those cultures that have traditions concerning the marriage bed, there is no option. What must be done, must be done, tired or not.

I am a big fan of Kama Sutra Products. They are romantic and gentle and if used correctly can wake up the most tired individual from lethargic to passionate in a very short time. Sex should not be obligatory on your wedding night. But if you want to stay traditional and just don’t have the wherewithal, I suggest these products. One of the best is the Honey Dust. It comes as an edible powder with a feather applicator. It’s impossible not to relax and drift away. It used to be available in just the honey flavour, but I notice that now it has many others that smell and taste great.

For those who want to celebrate in style, I suggest the lovers paintbox or the bedtime box..in fact any of the gift sets are great, with bedside sized collections of sensual products. Brides should leave the box on the pillow and see what he comes up with.

A great gift from the wedding party to the couple or a fun addition and perfect ending to your day. Get them at KamaSutra.com

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The ‘Big Five’……….

Posted on March 26, 2008 | 2 Comments
  1. WHEN
  2. HOW
  3. COST
  4. GUESTS
  5. LOCATION

When….
In considering your date, there’s a few things to remember. Some times of year cost more, your budget will have to cover the extra venue and vendor costs. The expected climate will impact upon your location as well as special holidays or religious festivals. You don’t particularly want a park wedding on July 4th weekend, for example. Also consider that some family and friends have obligations to keep with their own families. Thanksgiving weddings may not be attended by anyone other than family. If you want a cheaper wedding, then a weekday ceremony would be cheaper, with the reception held at the weekend if you want full attendance. It pays to be flexible. You can have your glamorous party and still cut costs on the small stuff. One wedding I officiated was held in one state during the week, and the party was in another and was two whole days. The money saved on the ceremony and the travel costs for the family ended up in the thousands and no-one missed out on a thing.

How…
What style of wedding would you like? Also, would you like religious, civil or spiritual? The formality of the wedding tends to vary with the style you choose. In big church weddings, for example, there is often a ritualistic aspect to the wedding and a protocol other than just etiquette to be followed. Civil weddings tend to be less rigid but also quicker and more of a recitation of vows to legalize the commitment followed by the real party. A spiritual ceremony tends to combine aspects of both, but can work out less stressful as it can be customized to fit your personal wishes and belief systems. This is particularly helpful in those cases wherein there are more than one or two faiths within the new family unit.

Often your type of ceremony will dictate the attire, but it doesn’t have to be the case. You can wear the full formal attire and have a civil wedding, but often not the other way around. In my opinion, it’s your wedding, you should be comfortable, happy and focused upon the creation of the bond between you, rather than the aptness of your attire. Theme weddings are fun and lift the whole thing out of the ordinary. Weddings in balloons, at water parks, Halloween themed, medieval themed, you name it, it can be done.

Cost..
This is crucial to the smooth running of your event. You must decide what you want, get quotes and contracts and keep them close to you. It all too often happens that a venue is not available and a second has to be found and the costs can vary by thousands. A vendor has difficulty with a request and therefore the costs rise, or the quotes you got were not precise enough in their numbers and now you have to buy more, and there goes your budget.
Have your budget in mind, gather quotes from the best, the middle and the budget end of the spectrum, and compare what you get for your money. Be wary of asking for changes late in the day, as it will cost you more than planning way ahead of time.
Pick a venue that has a beauty and elegance already, that way décor can be kept to a minimum and therefore will cost less. Outdoor venues in gardens and orchards are ideal for this as the only décor you need is in the guest area and the wedding arbour. A huge empty church hall for example will cost a lot more to transform into a cozy elegant space than an Italian barn or greenhouse venue.
If you are planning most things at home, keep it simple because rentals can actually work out to be more expensive than  a venue by the time you have added in chairs, tables, cutlery, crockery, linens, flowers, candles and all the other items that would come with the venue as standard. Lots of little expenses soon add up and can be in fact a false economy. Account for every little detail, because it may actually benefit you to book a small venue and have them take away all the stress for you.

Guests…
Do you really need to invite that girl you shared a room with back in college and haven’t seen for years? Does everyone in your family need to be there? Do they all have to be at the ceremony or will most of them be happy with attending the reception? Take into account that some of them will have children to bring with them. This can increase your guest list greatly, and most people will not be able to leave their children out of the plans or find sitters, especially if they are traveling to your location. If there are a lot of children involved then it may help to have a kids area in your seating plan. Tables set up less elaborately and a kids food menu for those tables. Most children would remember a pasta or pizza dish more favorably than a cordon bleu creation that delighted their parents. That can help cut costs tremendously. Also consider a buffet style menu if there are a lot of people, that way you know everyone gets something they like to eat, and you don’t have to deal with food allergies and  menu choices ahead of time. This will alter the logistics of your room, as you will have a lot of people on their feet at the same time, also consider having two serving areas at either end of the room to save the long line of hungry guests at one table. You could vary the style of food at each table to suit your theme.
You also have to make sure of accommodations for your guests who are traveling from longer distances. Consider talking to a couple of local hotels and asking for the best time for bookings, and give your guests a cut off date for booking their rooms to get a good rate and secure their booking. Discounts often apply for group rates. Get the business card of the person you talked to, and give the information to your guests so that everyone is on the same page at all times.

Location…
After you have decided on all the previous points, your location should be able to cope with all your plans. Does it have indoor and outdoor provisions to deal with weather? Is the ceremony and reception in the same place? Do you and your guests have to move from the ceremony location into the reception area? How easily will this be done?

What provisions are their for parking? If you are having the wedding at home, you will obviously either have to limit guests or to provide information for their parking or transport. How many guests are logistically possible at that location?

Is there a place for the bride to be hidden away from the eyes of the groom and how easily will she have access to bathroom facilities and mirrors prior to the processional? Are their restrictions on flowers, candles, décor, access rights etc? One wedding that I officiated was in the middle of a public park on Memorial day weekend. There were several thousand people in the park, and seven weddings that I personally saw en route to my couple. The guests and indeed myself were severely hampered by the traffic into the park and the tourists who were haphazardly parking and driving erratically. Not only was it tough to schedule my arrival [I was 10 minutes late] but also to actually find the couple. They were getting married under a tree with some ribbons on it. It was a lovely location and must have been a great idea at it’s inception. But the reality of the day was somewhat different. At any other time, there would have been no difficulties, but it took me almost an hour to get through the park, and if we missed a turn, it was a one way system back around. So consider all the aspects of the location and just how private your ceremony will be, if required. Sometimes the dream needs to be nurtured and created, it will not just happen of it’s own accord. The rest of the world doesn’t get it, it has to be shown, and sometimes dazzled by the fact that you made it work. It’s all part of the fun.

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The basics….before you start..

Posted on March 26, 2008 | Leave a comment

There are a few basic requirements that are often overlooked but they will crop up during the event planning. Be prepared by having all the information at hand and neatly filed and accessible.
Legalities. Is your union legal? Check state laws. Are same sex unions legal. What are blood test and physical requirements? Are there time restrictions for filing? Are there restrictions for divorced couples in the timing? When do I report my name change? What information and legal documentation do I need to provide when applying for my license? Am I old enough? Am  related to my partner too closely?
Religious requirements. If a religious ceremony you need to find out if you meet all the criteria for the ceremony. Some churches require premarital counseling. Some do not allow divorced couples to marry. Some will not officiate at an outdoor venue. Find out, and make alternate arrangements if necessary. Interfaith ministers and officiants will perform religious ceremonies in a manner consistent with your spiritual needs rather than the dogma of your faith.
Destination weddings. Check the legal requirements of the country or state that you are getting married in. They may differ tremendously from your own. Is the marriage considered legal in your home country if performed there? \
Marrying a foreign national. Is this legal? Do I have all my documentation in place? Will my spouse have to leave and apply for immigration documentation or can they stay and file here?
Prenuptial agreements. Do I need one? Should I talk to a lawyer? Why are they used? If you have family inheritance or assets that you do not want to lose for you family in the event of a divorce or death of your spouse, get a prenuptial agreement. This is essential in the case of family assets, as the family of you intended spouse will also have claims to them in certain circumstances. Often used to protect children from a first marriage.

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How to save money on your wedding…

Posted on March 26, 2008 | Leave a comment

Ways to cut costs…
Cut the guest list
Use a non-traditional location
Use a non-traditional time of year
Don’t pay for things you don’t want [printed napkins etc]
Let friends and family help
Use Ebay and other websites for bargains
Buy a vintage gown
Comparison shop
For a big wedding use a consultant, you will recover their cost in benefiting from their contacts and deals with vendors.
Cut the frills, simple is elegant
Group rate travel, attire and accommodations
Keep receipts and match them to contracts,

Things to budget for…

Legalities
Music
Flowers
Ceremony fees
Gifts
Attendants
Photography
Printed material
Reception
Transportation
Attire
Accommodations

Also take into account the amount of time and effort, not to mention postage, phone charges, travel costs, gas mileage physically arranging all the above items. These are often hidden costs which will accumulate over the planning period.

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Sleep…the final frontier…

Posted on March 25, 2008 | Leave a comment

One of the things I have been told most often by my brides is that stress robs them of their rest time. It’s a bit of a catch 22, because the less they sleep, the more they worry and the more they worry, the less they sleep.

One bride to be can no longer wear her hair down as most of it is falling out! There’s so much to organize and then you are supposed to look your best ever, for the pictures. Tough call.

There are ways to cut down on the stress. Even for those who cannot hire professionals to do it for them.

Delegate -  it’s hard to do, but ask another person to take responsibility for one of the tasks, like the limo hire or the flowers. Then trust them completely. No second guessing. If you chose them to do it, there was a trust there already and you have to stay true to that. Ask them to have it all done by a certain date, tell them your budget and requirements and have them make a file. When it’s all done, they simply hand you the file. Task completed. Moms, dads, sisters, brothers, best friends…rope them in.

Eat Well -  Fruit and veggies are your best friends. Take a vitamin supplement. Your B vitamins control your nervous system and can calm your nerves. The ACE antioxidants will help you look better and your skin will thank you. C will also keep you well. Take a fish oil capsule before you go to bed at night for clear thinking processes.

Drink Water -  Not only will skin and hair shine, but you will lose weight too. Lots and lots of water. Not the 300 calories a bottle kind, but good old fashioned plain H2O.

Give it up – If you can’t have it, let it go. No shade of peach just right, get the other one. No sky blue limo? Get the white one. No fuschia victorian lace gowns? Get the other ones. Too much moula for the room you wanted? Find somewhere else. Do NOT create problems where there are none.

Relax -  meditation, massages, bubble baths, drinking chamomile tea. Whatever it takes, do it once a week. No excuses.

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Sand Ceremonies…

Posted on March 23, 2008 | Leave a comment

Another version of two or more uniting into another single form, I often use sand ceremonies to join a couple in marriage who already have children of their own or from previous marriages. It’s a beautiful touch, because, not only am I joining the couple in marriage, but also creating a connected family unit.

One wedding that I performed at a beach included three children of various ages and nationalities. We had the rings for the vows, but prior to that we had the three children as attendants and had them pour sands of differing colours into one larger container. Each child performed their role with solemn dignity rarely seen in such young people and felt much more a part of this change in their lives. Rather than having a marriage presented as a fait accomplis, they were there when it happened, and their participation counted.

The family and friends who witnessed this ceremony had never seen a sand ceremony before. They said it was extremely touching and emotional charged for them to watch and they also noticed how the children felt about it.

Another ceremony that I officiated in a ‘backyard’ setting, was extremely informal. a couple who had three children and had been in a committed relationship for many years, just wanted the legal ceremony. They were on a limited budget, so a sand ceremony was ideal for them. No flowers, attendants or special things, just this family vowing to support each other. It was lovely. The children were sweet, and the older boy helped his baby sister with her part. He mentioned that her sand was magickal and came from the moon [the colour made him think this] and now their whole family was magic in his eyes.

I highly recommend this type of ceremony for blended families as it is a symbol of unity. And outdoor weddings especially benefit from this as candles can be difficult to work with.

If you aren’t familiar with sand ceremonies  you can check it out on my webpage.

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Office weddings

Posted on March 19, 2008 | Leave a comment

the downside of office weddings is, like my appointment today, that the couple are often no-shows. They place a phone call asking for a short notice wedding, and agree to a time. Then just don’t turn up. I am seriously thinking of charging them a booking fee over the phone via paypal virtual terminal. I stay available for at least an hour in case they are late, and obviously have to be dressed, prepared, and have a ceremony tailored to them. It’s very disappointing when they just don’t show up.

The  upside is of course, that there is no travel time involved, and you can’t be late or held up by bad weather. It is totally up to the couple to show up on time and they usually only have a couple of people with them, if any. There is no Mother of the Bride to deal with on her most nerve wracking day. No processional and no attendants. I love small weddings.

The larger ones are different for me, more like a stage show where everyone has a part to play. It makes people nervous and you have to be firm and respectfully instruct them in what is expected of them during the ceremony. Of course the drama is the icing on the elaborate cake of the wedding and it is the drama that makes the occasion so memorable. The fuss and the fanfare that marks such a large transition in the lives of two families and all their friends around them, right up to the effect on their community.

Marriage is a crucial step in the relationship of the couple and it reflects in how they are treated and in how they treat others. Life can never be the same again. It’s only fitting that it should be marked with as much pomp and circumstance as they can tolerate and in some cases, afford.

For those who don’t need that rite of passage, their is the intimate wedding wherein they and their closest family, sometimes also their children, gather to celebrate their love.  As an officiant it doesn’t matter to me how many are in the ‘audience, it’s the two people in front of me that count. It is always personal. It is always a great thing to be part of. It is always true that all brides are indeed beautiful.

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The wedding in the orchard…

Posted on March 17, 2008 | Leave a comment

There was one particular wedding that I will remember. The setting was a lovely apple orchard and the day dawned bright and sunny. Unfortunately the wedding was at the back of the orchard and the parking was in the front. The dew was covering the grass as I walked along the tractor furroughs to get to the set up for the wedding. Luckily I had worn flats and unluckily they were brand new ballet style shoes. Of course they were absolutely drenched and tightened on the way up the track. The ceremony went well, and the bride was absolutely stunning. I did have to walk around a lot prior to the wedding as I discovered that the groom was keeping watch on the track we had arrived by, but the bride was walking up a second track, and was almost upon us with no-one at the altar. Groom was standing with mom having a quick cigarette to calm his nerves when I just happened to glance behind the next tree…and there was the bride!!!

Needless to say, the places were taken quite quickly and the wedding progressed well. Bad for me were the ultra tight shoes I was now wearing and they hurt like crazy. A couple of pictures later and I had to walk back to my car. By the time I got there, I had skin missing from my feet and a couple of interesting blisters to mark the day. Fortunately I drive in one pair of comfy shoes, and had them in the car. lesson learned…take several pairs of shoes and swap them out as need be in outdoor locations.

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